“There is no real perfection
There’ll be no perfect day
Just love is our connection
The truth in what we say”
So I’ve been part of a club lately. This club has the sole job of analyzing an individual and breaking down different components. The theme is to tear apart, break down, antagonize, and compare the parties’ person to everything better than this person. Nothing is off limits in this very analytical journey. This club will scrutinize this person’s physical appearance, athletic ability, mental competence, resilience, domestic skills, and contributions to society. This club is hard core. Did I mention, this club has a membership of one? One individual responsible for being the treasurer, president, secretary, VP of membership, and marketing professional. Its a big job and exhausting. The best part–wait for it–I am the sole member of the club. The person being analyzed; myself!
Its no wonder why I am so tired! (I’ll allow the club to judge how tired I actually should be at their next meeting.)
Circa 2011 I read Real Housewife of New York City and Skinny Girl creator, Bethenny Frankel’s book, “A Place of Yes.” I admire this woman for putting herself out there with her no nonsense attitude, zest for going after what she wants(wanted), and her platform of owning up to imperfections before it was popular to do so. (She also has a snarky side I can relate to.) The very first chapter is titled, “Stop the Noise.” I loved this chapter, read it, wrote about it, incorporated it into a speech, and reread it some more. A Place Of Yes Information can be found here. Its not Brene Brown deep, but has some great advice on the complexity of holding yourself back and how to simply just stop it.
So what is noise?
The concept of “noise” and “stopping noise” is very complex and yet so simple at the same time. Its literally about stopping the voices in your mind that tell you that you can’t do something. The voices that judge yourself against others. The reminders of how less that great you echoing throughout your daily life; as you smile, go through the motions, and act completely self confident. Noise can be recordings of insults or unintended insults from others that we play on repeat in our minds. A person’s noise could be a set of internalization of self doubt set up from preconceived notions of what you should be not what you currently are.
Noise was the theme of my fake club of internal voices that I projected with self depreciation and humor. Noise isn’t funny though. Noise, or “Kate chatter” as I like to call it, holds me back in life. My own personal noise hurts myself daily, and I have to find a way to silence this noise. I meant humor about a fake club analyzing myself, but there is nothing laughable about hurting, feeling less than worthy, or like I don’t deserve things. After another night of insomnia (4 am), I woke up to another booming internal voice of “what is wrong with me!” I wrote down a list of specific thoughts and behaviors I need to completely silence or vote to kick out of my “club.”
Hereby, on the 7th day of October at approximately 1:54pm, I stand to add the following formally to the minutes (non subject to discussion.)
This club will no longer tolerate, allow, request, support, or administer furthering the following:
- Comparison of yourself to other women who have married and started their families as single thirty something (side note: No playbacks of tapes from those who openly question why you are still single, how IS it you are not married yet? You are a catch. Nope audio tapes destroyed.)
- Kicking oneself for having a abundance of drafts written, but not yet published. Your writing flow is your own. Let it be and let live.
- Judgment of your accomplishments versus others. You may not have a master’s degree, list of publications, or your dream job yet. Stop it. Just stop comparing yourself to others.
- Hating yourself for the mornings you cannot drag yourself out of bed at 5 am to run, work out, practice yoga etc. There are 24 hours in a day. Not making the morning work everyday does not make you a bad person. The entire point of these habits are for health, self care, and to feel better about yourself-not worse. (Side note: Also judging yourself for no longer having a 7 minute mile, marathon under belt etc.)
- Severe mental beatings about having depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, and trauma. You didn’t ask for any of these. Refer back to meeting add on #2 for ways to cope.
- Idolizing past times in your life when you felt like you “had it all” or at least had it together. You weren’t perfect then, you didn’t feel perfect then, just stop.
- Envy of those that seem to be able to afford anything. Financial envy isn’t healthy. Just no.
- Move to abolish all thoughts of disgust over eating any foods not distinguished as “healthy.” Also move to avoid using humor to deflect self disgust (no a raccoon didn’t sneak in to eat the Halloween candy-you did-just own you had a bad day.)
- Let the record reflect that self worth and identity no longer will be measured next to other women. Use of social media to self deprecate will no longer be tolerated either.
- All negative uses of noise will be silenced and tried to be executed in a healthy, efficient, and timely matter. Next meeting will go over these specific items (please allot time.)
- Lastly, this club will be abolished if above matters are not resolved in a timely, efficient, and self serving manner.
Okay, so its obvious I use humor to deflect, but I cannot be alone here. I cannot be the only woman out there who is tired of “noise,” or voices in her mind that bring her down a few notches. I’ve been through a tremendous ass kicking the past year, I’ve got to stop kicking my own ass. Noise is ongoing, perpetuating, and exhausting.
How do you navigate through the tapes in your own mind? What about your own internal voices holds you back? How can you relate?
I put this out there as I’d much rather own I am feeling a certain way, than pretend its not real and amplify what’s already blaring. Perfection is deadly and I’m tried of injecting myself with it daily.
Hi, I’m Kate, president of my own Noise club, today I feel about a 5….how are you?