Please God Show Me the Way..

Please God, show ’em the way
Please God, on this”

-Stevie Nicks, “Show them the Way”

Can you honestly say you always put faith over fear? I

I’m going to own some serious shit and and admit my own hypocrisy.

I preach faith over fear to so many people. I say a lot of things. Like the positive posts on Instagram and Facebook with the sayings too. My actions don’t always match my words. I freak out. I fret. I blame. I worry. I overreact and show my fangs to those that love me.

So I ask, what does putting faith over fear mean to you?

I love the Lord with my entire heart. I thank him everyday for my recovery, health, family, happiness, and pray I can be the best person for that day every morning. I bought one of those “pumpkin spice and Jesus Christ” shirts, I openly pray if someone needs it. When someone askes me how I stay sober; I say through God and God only.

Yet there are cracks in my foundation of faith.

Instead of keeping the faith when my Dad was air lifted to ICU; I swore like a sailor, panicked, didn’t sleep, freaked out, and took it 100% out on my partner Ryan. Where was my faith at that moment? It can’t only be there for the status quo moments of bliss and routine. Faith also cannot only be a foxhole prayer. It can’t also trickle out the door the second the going gets tough.

By observing my own behavior and looking back on some past behaviors I have come to the realization that I need to learn to practice what I preach. Just like everything of merit and value in my life-being a woman of faith and virtue takes work. It takes work to unclench my jaw (which I also do in my sleep), take a deep breath and turn those fears over to what I believe in. Its daily work, not dormant sayings. Just like those who stay physically fit and healthy make it a lifestyle not a fad diet-its just as important to work on the health, peace and serenity of my being a lifestyle not a fad as well.

Its work. Its going to be a painful work for me to get back into running shape again, but I know every time I lace up those shoes I am coming back to a place I need to be and doing important work for myself. The payoff and trade off are worth it.

Its daily work for me to admit to myself, the world, and God that I cannot drink like a normal person. I never, ever will be able to again. There is no such thing as one in my vocabulary. Its also going to take work to curb any self pity and the side habit of including the word fuck in my vocabulary.

I was born a feeling person with high strung qualities. I feel things. I don’t know what a baseline of calm is like as a person. It will be work for me to put faith over fear into action in my life. Who knows, may be just for now, when I start off by saying God grant me the serenity…the prayer doesn’t have to stop there and a deep breath of gratitude could help. One day at a time…..I am getting there by owning my shit and working to get better.

Faith over fear.

Not so simple is it?