“Shame is the Gremlin…”

“Shame drives two big tapes: 1) Never good enough…and if you can talk it out of that one…. 2) Who do you think you are?”

Dr. Brene Brown, Shame Ted Talk

I overslept this morning. Overslept to not be late for anything but my prearranged plans of my own deemed perfection. You get up and do 1000 things before work and BOOM you are queen of the world, your day, your recovery you name it. Also, might I add, that when I say I overslept I woke up around 8:15 am to tell a friend I wasn’t going to be able to make a work out class. I didn’t lay around all morning, I wasn’t being a slob kabob. I just literally rested longer than I intended to.

So now what?

So now my stinkin thinkin sets in and I have deemed that any linear plans for what is supposed to happen in my world today are ruined. I failed, surrender the white flag, “you suck, KATE!” your day, weekend, image, and more are off track from here on out. I hate when my mental state is like that. I hate that my thinking goes back to the mind of a fall down drunk who can do nothing right. I challenged myself to reset my mind with the help of a loved partner, a few devotions, calling my sponsor, praying, and finding a way to make it to my nail appointment.

This is where I made a decision to try to reset my day. To follow what my program teaches me that I can have bad moments, and they do not have to turn into bad days. I plugged my headphones in while I was in the nail salon, and tuned into a Brene Brown Shame Ted Talk. (And yes, I apologized to the staff for listening to my own self care instead of conversing ….whole other topic for another day…really…)

As she always does, Brene smacked me right in the face. I’m operating on my biggest trigger that “I am not good enough and nothing I do can be.” I hate being in this place. It makes me defense, hypervigilant, constantly overthinking about what I should be doing, what conversation should I have had. There is no self forgiveness nor turning it over to God or those who care to help me in these moments. Its full on recoil and mind assault.

Shame is a bitch. She calls us the worst names. She is self inflicted, and if you believe in any type of Higher Power as I do today, she does not need to dominate any of your thoughts. Tell that Gremlin to take a hike and do something that resets your body, mind, and soul. I grabbed my Sadie bug for a quick walk taking in the beauty of Fall, nature, God’s creation, a happy doggie smile, and the faith that God is with me and urging me to the best version of myself.

Not today Satan.

Author: toughasteal

Kate Weber is a woman who dreamed up the concept "tough as teal" while recovering from her own sexual assault in Fall 2015. Teal is the color of Sexual Assault Awareness and Ovarian Cancer (both have effected her in her personal life.)Tough as Teal is a mindset of being strong and a streak she proudly wears in her hair. Her goal is to use her voice, blog, and personal teal streak to broaden awareness of sexual violence. She believes, "you have to make people comfortable with the uncomfortable." Kate is a graduate of Michigan State University and has spent the majority of her career working within Higher Education. These areas included the following: off campus and on campus housing, overseeing academic dishonestly, coordinating academic integrity grievances, hearing, and appeals for all colleges at Michigan State University, working with STAR scholarship students, mass training for University employees, managing her own staff of 50-100 students within the Residence Halls, administrative work with the Vice President and Provost's office, devising training curriculum, serving on the Brody Neighborhood Core Team (Engagement Center liason), retention planning, safety and security work and more. Kate's first hand work with student employees, coupled with her own experience as a traditional and non-traditional student put her primary passion to be involved with college students. Statistics show alarming rates of sexual violence on college campuses and Kate passionately continues to advocate to end this statistic. Besides building her own personal toughasteal brand, Kate enjoys public speaking. She has received a national award from Toastmasters International and is putting her talent to work with the Mid-Michigan Survivor's Speaker's Bureau. She has affiliations in Pennsylvania with "Voices of Hope", national organization "Still Standing", and is a guest blogger/podcast participant for Open Thought Vortex (committed to giving a voice to victims.) Kate is also in recovery for alcoholism. She believes being honest about her own struggles and healing can help other women come forward with their own stories. Healing is not linear and there is power in speaking with one another. Recovery is a daily process to take one day at a time! Kate is looking forward to expanding her philanthropic passions to her educational pursuits in the upcoming years. She is available for speaking engagements or you are welcome to connect with her on Twitter @katers513 or toughasteal@yahoo.com Her personal interests are running, enjoying the Great Lakes of Michigan, reading, learning, a few Netflix shows, watching her beloved Spartans in all sports, and newfound motorcycle adventures with her boyfriend!

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