Yes, I’ve been a bad guy
Been higher than the blue sky
And the truth is I don’t wanna die an ordinary man
I’ve made momma cry
Don’t know why I’m still alive
Yes, the truth is I don’t wanna die an ordinary man
“Ozzy Osbourne, Ordinary Man”
So as many of you know I strive to keep it real. And real I will keep it. I have been struggling lately. Waking up to the crisp smell of Fall used to be one of my favorite things in the world. My Dad has Golden Delicious apples planted outside near their home on the 40 acres of land I grew up and call home. To walk outside with a cup of coffee and breathe in was like taking in the beauty of nature, God’s creation, and the scents Yankee candles strive to capture. That smell and the beauty of Fall foliage decorate with Halloween decorations was always one of my favorite things on Earth. My Dad did the best job with Halloween and all things Fall and football. Nostalgia and all just bring me joy.
So I have to sadly state that the very same favorite things that used to bring me comfort are LITERALLY causing me pain. October 21, 2015 took something from me. I had to fight for my life at the hands of assailant. An assailant who took it upon himself to assault and beat me to the point that I probably wasn’t meant to survive. I spent two years in a booze captured anger with anyone that crossed my path. I hated myself for surviving. I refused to look in the mirror hard (my left side of my face was scarred and beat up pretty bad at first.) I was just angry.
I then had a blessing cross my path. I allowed myself to open up my heart and my mind to EMDR therapy in Fall of 2018. My mind and body awoke. I remembered details from that day and evening buried deep in my subconscious. My insomnia was lifted. My anger towards God instantly was released. I thought all was well and I could move on.
The thing is my brain and body remember. Every time I take a whiff of my favorite Fall day I get triggered. I have been waking up daily with pain in my left side of my neck that is unbearable. It triggers migraines, it kills…my chiropractor is at a loss for my regression physically but I know why. Its mental.
And I have to go through it to heal myself and move forward.
I share so openly because I know other women are hurting. I know people resort to my best mechanism of looking “pretty and polished on the outside” and hiding what is literally killing you inside. I hate every part of this process. I always have wanted to be a put together person with nothing messy inside. I can’t run, hide, or drown this out with alcohol. I know I have to feel every part of this and move forward. There is a very important book published called “The Body Keeps Score” Its all about neuroscience and how our body physically remembers things.
It makes so much sense to me.
“Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.” (p.97)”
I have no idea what God wants me to do with my physical pain….but I have to remember I am alive. I am healthy. I am well. I cry now at the drop of a hat because I am feelings things. I will get through this and I will be okay.
I had a conversation with someone lately about judgements and condemning people to hell. I stated back its not my place and I am here on this Earth to love people….not judge them. (thank you Karina from Wings of God for teaching me that….) I think may be I need to stop judging myself and just embrace it all. My body, mind , and soul remembers. I will never forget. I will never be the same.
I am still the same bright eyed child my Dad took Trick or Treating in the country. I am still the same person that loves and cares about every single person I meet. My body is challenging me….but I am still me. I am a survivor and a fighter. I love God, Ryan, my family, yes my Sadie Bug and so much more. I am triggered but I will get through it.
You will too.
Healing and grief are never linear. We are all born with God sized holes in us. Turn it over to whatever you believe in. I do it daily and I know that someday I will have peace when I smell October and everything Fall. I have tears falling down my face as I write this but that’s okay. I am feeling things. You can’t numb it all out…(thank you Brene Brown.)
I love you all and I KNOW we will all be okay….