Please STOP the Music

“There is no real perfection
There’ll be no perfect day
Just love is our connection
The truth in what we say”

Badfinger, ~Perfection~

So I’ve been part of a club lately. This club has the sole job of analyzing an individual and breaking down different components. The theme is to tear apart, break down, antagonize, and compare the parties’ person to everything better than this person. Nothing is off limits in this very analytical journey. This club will scrutinize this person’s physical appearance, athletic ability, mental competence, resilience, domestic skills, and contributions to society. This club is hard core. Did I mention, this club has a membership of one? One individual responsible for being the treasurer, president, secretary, VP of membership, and marketing professional. Its a big job and exhausting. The best part–wait for it–I am the sole member of the club. The person being analyzed; myself!

Its no wonder why I am so tired! (I’ll allow the club to judge how tired I actually should be at their next meeting.)

Circa 2011 I read Real Housewife of New York City and Skinny Girl creator, Bethenny Frankel’s book, “A Place of Yes.” I admire this woman for putting herself out there with her no nonsense attitude, zest for going after what she wants(wanted), and her platform of owning up to imperfections before it was popular to do so. (She also has a snarky side I can relate to.) The very first chapter is titled, “Stop the Noise.” I loved this chapter, read it, wrote about it, incorporated it into a speech, and reread it some more.  A Place Of Yes Information can be found here. Its not Brene Brown deep, but has some great advice on the complexity of holding yourself back and how to simply just stop it.

So what is noise?

The concept of “noise” and “stopping noise” is very complex and yet so simple at the same time. Its literally about stopping the voices in your mind that tell you that you can’t do something. The voices that judge yourself against others. The reminders of how less that great you echoing throughout your daily life; as you smile, go through the motions, and act completely self confident. Noise can be recordings of insults or unintended insults from others that we play on repeat in our minds. A person’s noise could be a set of internalization of self doubt set up from preconceived notions of what you should be not what you currently are.

Noise was the theme of my fake club of internal voices that I projected with self depreciation and humor. Noise isn’t funny though. Noise, or “Kate chatter” as I like to call it, holds me back in life. My own personal noise hurts myself daily, and I have to find a way to silence this noise. I meant humor about a fake club analyzing myself, but there is nothing laughable about hurting, feeling less than worthy, or like I don’t deserve things. After another night of insomnia (4 am), I woke up to another booming internal voice of “what is wrong with me!” I wrote down a list of specific thoughts and behaviors I need to completely silence or vote to kick out of my “club.”

Hereby, on the 7th day of October at approximately 1:54pm, I stand to add the following formally to the minutes (non subject to discussion.)

This club will no longer tolerate, allow, request, support, or administer furthering the following:

  1. Comparison of yourself to other women who have married and started their families as single thirty something (side note: No playbacks of tapes from those who openly question why you are still single, how IS it you are not married yet? You are a catch. Nope audio tapes destroyed.)
  2. Kicking oneself for having a abundance of drafts written, but not yet published. Your writing flow is your own. Let it be and let live.
  3. Judgment of your accomplishments versus others. You may not have a master’s degree, list of publications, or your dream job yet. Stop it. Just stop comparing yourself to others.
  4. Hating yourself for the mornings you cannot drag yourself out of bed at 5 am to run, work out, practice yoga etc. There are 24 hours in a day. Not making the morning work everyday does not make you a bad person. The entire point of these habits are for health, self care, and to feel better about yourself-not worse. (Side note: Also judging yourself for no longer having a 7 minute mile, marathon under belt etc.)
  5. Severe mental beatings about having depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, and trauma. You didn’t ask for any of these. Refer back to meeting add on #2 for ways to cope.
  6. Idolizing past times in your life when you felt like you “had it all” or at least had it together. You weren’t perfect then, you didn’t feel perfect then, just stop.
  7. Envy of those that seem to be able to afford anything. Financial envy isn’t healthy. Just no.
  8. Move to abolish all thoughts of disgust over eating any foods not distinguished as “healthy.” Also move to avoid using humor to deflect self disgust (no a raccoon didn’t sneak in to eat the Halloween candy-you did-just own you had a bad day.)
  9. Let the record reflect that self worth and identity no longer will be measured next to other women. Use of social media to self deprecate will no longer be tolerated either.
  10. All negative uses of noise will be silenced and tried to be executed in a healthy, efficient, and timely matter. Next meeting will go over these specific items (please allot time.)
  11. Lastly, this club will be abolished if above matters are not resolved in a timely, efficient, and self serving manner.

Okay, so its obvious I use humor to deflect, but I cannot be alone here. I cannot be the only woman out there who is tired of “noise,” or voices in her mind that bring her down a few notches. I’ve been through a tremendous ass kicking the past year, I’ve got to stop kicking my own ass. Noise is ongoing, perpetuating, and exhausting.

How do you navigate through the tapes in your own mind? What about your own internal voices holds you back? How can you relate?

I put this out there as I’d much rather own I am feeling a certain way, than pretend its not real and amplify what’s already blaring. Perfection is deadly and I’m tried of injecting myself with it daily.

Hi, I’m Kate, president of my own Noise club, today I feel about a 5….how are you?

 

 

 

Won’t You Please Give Me Love…

“Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
Heart and soul”

George Harrison, ~Give Me Love~

When is the last time you gave up hope on something?

It could have been when the clock was winding down to the last few seconds of the 4th quarter of a football game and an ominous loss of your team came to fruition. May be you had a great outdoor event planned and despite checking weather.com daily, the stone cold truth is, it is going to rain. You scrambled out of the office as early as possible to make it to an event to find yourself stuck in summertime road construction–no chance you will make it.

That’s the thing about life, we all have dreams, aspirations, plans, goals, and future accomplishments that we hope come to fruition. I have been accused of being a bit of a dreamer by someone close to me. I wouldn’t say I dream as much as hope that by putting positive out into the world it will come back to me. I hope that by planning ahead for the work week, I will have enjoyable stress free mornings setting myself up for success. I hope that by being cognitive of what nutrition I put in my body I will retain good health and longevity of life. I hope that by adhering to a running schedule I will be able to attain life long goals of fitness, stress relief, and future looming races. I don’t feel I’m a dreamer; more of an optimist that relishes in my world of hope that things will turn out somewhat how I aspire for them to turn out.

So what happens when your hope turns to dismay?

Life throws curveballs and things that would never happen become reality. Death and serious illness occur. Divorce or a relationship ending can rock a person’s world. You don’t get accepted into your university of choice, you don’t have the pace to qualify for the Boston marathon, or your presentation falls flat in front of your colleagues. You succumb to a hard time in life and begin to lose hope.

The thing about hardships in life that we tend to call people out behind their backs instead of lovingly bringing them in. It is so easy to judge another person while sitting in the stands with another (friend) parent about a family in your child’s school. Its not your hope or your dreams that are shattered, its their hard time. It’s easy to state that we wish people the best; but do we really practice what we preach here?

I don’t think we do even with the best of intentions (its not our hopes and dreams being shattered after all.)

I recently witnessed someone read the front page of the newspaper about a local person being the cause of an auto accident that took power away from a patch of neighborhoods near us. It was stated this person was over the legal alcohol limit and was arrested. A person well known in the area that you would say hello to and shake their hand. I watched the person reading this call their closest friend (and someone else familiar with the individual) and say, “Hey! Did you see who is on the front page of the paper and got arrested for…” I had to walk away because I felt a feeling of disgust wash over me and wanted to not react out of a place of emotion.

(Please note that I do not condone ever operating a vehicle while under the influence as I state this below.)

Can you imagine being that person? Being the spectacle of a local town and now facing legal ramifications everyone knows about? I can empathize. This was a person who I understood had hoped to retire very soon, a person I had met in a formal interview setting and treated me with utmost respect and decency. This person is now being publically called out (behind their back more than likely.)

Guess what, we all make mistakes in life! Some mistakes have minimal impact of a $5.00 late fee on a cable bill for forgetting to pay. Some mistakes impact out health and make others responsible for our well being. Some mistakes have serious, long term, and impactful circumstances. The choices we make as a person have create our futures, and impact our hopes and dreams.

The real reality is we are always secretly glad that it’s someone else’s “bad luck or down time.” It’s not our hopes and dreams crumbling around us. I would be willing to bet that most people would not be willing to admit this out loud. I am going to take a bold step here and own the fact that I now would. I would now due to having my own hopes and dreams crash and have to be recreated this past year. The paradigm shift of being on the other side of the whispering is realizing just how very real, close to, relatable, and human a person in distress is. I look back at some of the conversations and judgment I have had of others in the past and fully see how wrong I was. How wrong it was for me to call people out behind their backs, secretly relish in the fact that it in fact wasn’t me, and consider myself a bigger person for it. There is nothing elite about judging another person. There is no moral high ground in feeling superior to someone in turmoil. Saying, “well how terrible” or “I hope things turn” around with an underlying tone of judgment does not make it right.  Thinking something could never happen to you is asinine.

What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and you were front page news for your biggest mistake? Dig deep. Dig really deep and think about the biggest error in judgment you made. Something bigger than turning left, instead of right to beat traffic. I am willing to bet that you would be stuck in a shame cloud that would prevent future hope.

My point? Either show compassion and bring someone in; or say nothing at all. Be very careful for what you perceive as someone’s own fault and something they may be deserve. Your grass is never greener than that persons. Mentally actually wish someone the best. If you are person of faith, pray for them. Tell people you hear gossiping that its not okay and its hurtful. Look someone in the eye and sincerely ask them how you can be supportive of them. Categorize your own hopes and dreams, put yourself in that person’s shoes, and show compassion. Connection and compassion are two things that essentially drive the human race.

I own my past judgment of others and also own my own mistakes that I didn’t anticipate in life. I am not perfect by any means. I’ll make more “left turns” in life and I will come to snap judgments of others misfortunes. I will strive to avoid doing both and learn moving forward.

As for my own hopes and dreams, I do believe the late George Harrison’s former band mate John Lennon did state, “You may say I’m a dreamer….but I’m not the only one….” No John you aren’t the only one; I will keep on planning with hope and aspirations of a dreamer.

May be I will even special order a special pair of “Lennon style” rose colored, compassion embossed glasses.

It couldn’t hurt. Truly.